Don Imus and his brother Fred both claim to have had parents, a mother and a father.  I have never seen them.  Have you?  Parental absence coupled to the Imus brothers’ pathological behavior fetishes, have led to a thesis that both spawned spontaneously in dust clots accumulated behind the laundromat dryers where Don would spend many of his formative years.

As nearly as the date can be fixed, Don’s birth – however it occurred – took place in the late 18-hundreds making him a contemporary of such noted Americans as Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, Chester A. Arthur and Grover Cleveland…all U.S. Presidents.

Don spent the normal twelve years in public school and emerged with no formal education…a product of automatic social promotion.  His secondary school experience was limited to carrying a cracked, faded rubber in his wallet and binding a female classmate to a tree with electrician’s tape.  He graduated with no honors and no skills.  Requiring neither, a broadcasting career seemed a natural for the young Imus and advancements came quickly.

Now widely acclaimed, Imus has been featured on NBC’s “Today” show, the ABC programs “Prime Time Live” and “20/20,” and on CBS’ “48 Hours” and “60 Minutes.”  He has been a guest of Charlie Rose, David Letterman, and of particular note, Larry King, in shameless, mutual ass-kissing marathons.  In addition, Don has been, and continues to be, a subject of countless, pointless print articles.  Time magazine once named Don one of the 25 most influential people in America.  More recently, Don appeared on the cover of Newsweek magazine in a feature article titled, “The Importance of Being Imus.”  Don’s loyal radio staff hopes they will soon see him similarly featured on milk cartons.

In a now celebrated episode dating back to the spring of 1996, Don shared a stage with President Clinton and first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton at Washington’s annual Radio and Television Correspondents Association’s dinner.  While at the podium, Don made some observations about Mr. Clinton that some felt were rude and upsetting to the President, and that tended to leave egg on Don’s face.  Little did we know then, that Mr. Clinton was already well into the business of leaving substances splattered on individuals with whom he might come into contact; that his discomfort that evening had its roots in his own wayward DNA, and that Don was fucking Nostradamus.  But, that’s another story best left to another biography.

Imus is also a best-selling author and an accomplished amateur photographer.  His novel, “God’s Other Son,“ spent three months on the New York Times best-seller list driven there by listeners to his program who bought the fucking thing to get him to shut up about it.  His most recent book, “Two Guys, Four Corners,” a collection of photographs of desert rocks accompanied by wrenchingly inane captions, rose to number 13 on the New York Times best-seller list…driven by the same people who bought “God’s Other Son,” and for the same reasons.

In September of 1996, the Imus radio program began being simulcast live on cable network MSNBC for reasons never made clear.  The Imus program, broadcast and televised, features recurring, prominent guests ranging from Katherine Graham of the Washington Post to bluesman B.B. King.  It also features guests few have heard of and fewer still could give a rat’s ass about; Tim Russert of NBC’s Meet the Press, CNN’s Jeff Greenfield, Time magazine’s Margaret Carlson, all come to mind as examples.

Since 1990, Imus has headlined a radiothon with New York radio station WFAN that has raised over 50-million dollars to benefit the Tomorrows Children’s Fund, the CJ Foundation for SIDS, and the Imus Ranch for kids with cancer.  The money, donated for exactly that same reason and by the same people who bought the stupid books, funded the completion of the Don Imus/WFAN Pediatric Center for Tomorrow’s Children and the David Jurist Cancer Research facility, both located at New Jersey’s Hackensack University Medical Center.

Imus has received too many plaques, trophies and pieces of walnut with crystal shit stuck on them to mention.  We won’t.  He is a member of the Emerson Radio Hall of Fame, the National Broadcasters Hall of Fame, the Stolichnaya and Marlboro Halls of Fame, and, if there is a God, will soon be a permanent exhibit at the Duke University School of Medicine’s Hall of Cadavers where his lungs will be featured in a display designed to permanently traumatize children.